Chase,
I truly think your essay is very well written and strongly argued. I believe
you presented Paglia's viewpoint accurately and fairly, but also effectively
argued against it. I think a neutral audience would be inclined toward your
argument instead of Paglia's, as it is rooted in both fact (the study cited in
paragraph 3) and strengthened by a relevant personal narrative (shared in
paragraph 2). With that being said, here are a few things I think could improve
your argument:
If you’re looking to expand your argument (make your essay longer), I would
recommend explicitly addressing the claim Paglia makes in the title, where she
claims Gaga has contributed to “the death of sex.” Your method of putting her
claims and speculations up against research to refute them, I think, would be
very potent on this issue she brings up.
If you’re looking to condense your argument (make your essay shorter), I
would recommend condensing the information in paragraph, particularly the
personal narrative sharing the experience of you and your friends, to a few key
points.
However, if you are satisfied with the length of your essay (I have no
reasonable way to count the words and see if you are at or near the prompt’s
limit), my recommendation would be to revise your concluding paragraph so that
it more directly mirrors the strong thesis you presented in your introductory
paragraph (for example, editing the vague sentence I pointed out to you
in-class to be more specific to your argument).
(In addition, of course, proofread for grammatical and formatting errors.)
Aside from that, I can’t think of much to say. The 3 body paragraphs, which
make up the core of your argument and (I assume) are what we are supposed to
focus on in our commentaries, are extremely well argued and supported by your
research. Good job, and best of luck with your final draft!
Sincerely,
Bailey Prince
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